Europe expecting wave of UK immigrants following May 7 ‘debacle’

Thousands of Brits who vowed to leave the UK if the Tories won the General Election are now packing their bags. Nearside countries including France and Belgium are braced for an onslaught of sobbing liberals, while further afield the Spanish Prime Minister has voiced concerns that Spain cannot cope with any additional influx of British culture.

“What will they do when they get here – get drunk and open another ‘Only Fools and Horses’ themed cafe-bar? Spain will not stand for it,” he said.

Outside the Houses of Parliament this morning there was much beating of breasts and tearing of hair as the awful reality hit home. Whilst some were ready to joke their way past the trauma, others were clearly still reeling.

“Fuck this blue and unpleasant land,” said one crusty individual, flicking his blonde dreadlocks smugly over his shoulders.

“I just can’t believe we’re stuck with Katie bloody Hopkins for another five years,” wailed another bystander, falling to her sensibly tweeded knees.

Meanwhile, over in Amsterdam, Dutch police are on high alert after British holidaymakers were seen hurling themselves into the city’s many beautiful canals. The Mayor was sorrowful but firm in his comments:

“This is a bad business, but it is also bad for business. Amsterdam attracts visitors from all over the world with its lax drug policy and plethora of hookers. People are going to be really bummed out when they have to pedal-boat around bloated British corpses.”

In short, Europe is unsympathetic to the UK’s current crisis, which is perhaps why many are instead heading for the new SNP stronghold of Scotland. Once over Hadrian’s Wall, asylum seekers can expect to be greeted with a woad-daubing ceremony before being handed their free NHS prescription card and commemoratory haggis. However, they will not be allowed farther north than the Firth of Forth until they can recite the collective works of Rabbie Burns from memory.


A 10m-wide crater has opened up in a street in suburban Naples, prompting fears that aliens have launched an attack upon the Earth.

The damage was initially thought to have been caused by heavy rainfall, until a series of clips was submitted to a UK newspaper, one of which seems to show an extra-terrestrial war machine emerging from the hole.

Dr Paolo Ingegno, a scientist at Mediterranean Tech (Naples Campus), said: “I’ve been waiting for this to happen. It happened before in Surrey [England] in 1897 but the Tories covered it up. Then in 1938 they invaded New Jersey, USA – the Martians, not the Conservatives – and again in 1953, this time targeting southern California. Now it is happening again, and once more the authorities are trying to bury the truth. They say the damage is due to a burst water pipe, but I know differently!”

This terrifying footage, obtained by The Telegraph early this morning, clearly shows two Neapolitan firefighters’ brave attempts to defeat a Martian tripod by decapitating it with an angle grinder, before the fighting-machine swings wildly round to attack them. The film cuts off before the firefighters and the cameraman were tragically vaporised by the machine’s Heat-Ray.